Autumn arrived with no answers. The cycle of dread hijacked my thoughts and the lingering concern for Hannah’s odd behavior while visiting relatives haunted me. The demands of being a stay-at-home mom to three children, under the age of four, fell to the forefront. But unresolved issues from the past continued to haunt me.
Through out the weeks ahead, the familiar heaviness of dread like concrete hardening inside of me provoked thoughts of unresolved issues from the past. I drifted back to junior high and high school, broken relationships, and then a mysterious shadow surfaced, in my mind's eye. A shadow with no face. Just an outline of a person followed by an ache in my stomach.
The ache in my stomach ended the cycle only to be spun back to the beginning--high school, junior high, broken relationships, the shadow—pain.
Why does the past haunt me now? On the drive to Jordan’s preschool, I searched for answers to why I left behind so many unresolved issues and why I made so many unhealthy decisions during my high school years. But instead of lifting the emotional burden, the feelings of dread intensified and the vision of the shadow increased. It consumed me. Something is very wrong.
I called a friend for advice. She said, “It’s probably nothing. Just go to a counselor for a couple of weeks to help you find the answers. Then it will be over with. No big deal.”
Her encouragement convinced me to visit a therapist.
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I researched and chose a therapist I trusted to offer input regarding the unresolved issues that consumed my thoughts.
What keeps you from taking the next step--fear, shame, finances?
"Yes. Me too." But I moved forward by researching local help options: hotlines, social services, clergy, licensed psychologist. I prayed for direction. Then I called and interviewed potential counselors until I found one I felt comfortable with.
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Be safe. Be accurate. Be brave.